On Directing

I got my first taste of directing in first grade.  I started a singing club.  I wrote down lyrics and got all the little boys who had crushes on me to devote their recesses to our rehearsals.  I had harmonies and dance moves all planned and, of course, I would be taking lead.  That lasted for about 3 minutes before everyone decided that I was too bossy and that the jungle gym would be more fun.  But those three minutes were glorious I tell ya!  

The next few years I expressed my artistic side by putting on short little skits with cousins and my brother.  It probably wasn’t what they always wanted to do, but that’s what playtime was for... rehearsing. 

My next big directing opportunity came in 6^th grade when the class was assigned to groups to put on a skit about peer pressure.  I had a superb concept and immediately nominated myself as the leader.  The concept was...wait for it...Saved by the Bell!  Just as Zack Morris says "time out", we too would “time out” the action to explain the choice between giving into peer pressure or not. (Brilliant? I think so.) I had vision, determination, and a plan to make it the BEST SKIT IN THE CLASS! But my intensity wasn't quite matched (or appreciated) by my peers and I think we got a B.

.

Which is probably one letter grade higher than I would give myself for the show I just finished directing, "No Exit".  This play about hell and choices and actions and deciding who we want to be and our impact on the world sort of "rocked my world" to put it delicately.  It was a humbling process, to say the least.

 

This blog isn't just to toot my own horn.  It's to be honest about my experiences and the lessons that I am learning.  I'm sure that there were good things about this production, although I am not able to see them or hold in my heavy sighs when I hear people compliment the production in any way. Because I know it for what it truly was...an utter failure.  Probably my biggest directing failure to date.

Oh I have a lot of excuses, a lot of reasons why this just didn't work, but the main point is that I was working with a company that just wasn't the right fit for me.   I lost passion and it was replaced with pure apathy.  I can honestly say that I have NEVER felt that before.  Joy, frustration, hope, pride, determination, and mostly a very strong sense of myself....these are all feelings that I take along in a process....but this time I was apathetic.

So why did I stick around?  Well, out of fear quite honestly.  I am terrified of not working.  I am nervous that all my work and training will be for nothing.  I am worried that my goals won't be met and that all the professional deadlines that I have set for myself won't happen.  I'm afraid of losing what little ground I have gained in this city.  But mostly I'm scared that I will prove all the naysayers in my life right and all the people who said "you can do it" wrong.  I'm afraid of failing.

There I said it.  I am afraid of failing!

So I stayed in a safe space.  I sort of stopped taking risks and putting myself out there because I had some back up projects. Some "just in case" things that would work.  I kept saying yes.  Yes because it's an offer.  Yes, because what else am I going to do?  Yes, because what if nothing better comes along.

Shame on me.  Shame on me for settling. Shame on me for thinking that this is "good enough for now".  Shame on me for losing my spark and my energy and my perfectionist nature that demands great things out of myself and others.  Shame on me for losing my passion.

I used to be fearless.  I used to be the first to volunteer and the first to voice my opinion whether it was wanted or not.  I was a born leader and a gutsy girl that fought for what she wanted.  But at some point I lost that.  I became incredibly aware and even worse, embarrassed, of all my inadequacies. And bit by bit, I started playing life so, so safe. I got hung up on the consequences of failure instead of the possibilities of success!

But here is the thing...I have already failed.  I have messed up auditions, forgotten words to songs, and I have directed an awful play.  And I'm still here.  I'm still breathing and functioning and I'm even going to rehearsal tonight.  Ha! And I will fail again.  There are lots of failures coming my way big and small...because that's life.  So maybe I should stop being so scared and fail BIG.  Or maybe...succeed even bigger.

Either way, from now on, I'm going to do it with passion.

And that's all I have to say about that.

An audition story

I had an audition today. It was supposed to be just like any other audition.  Go in, do my thing, two minutes later leave.

But I arrived 15 minutes early and they were 15 minutes behind, so I sat waiting for 30 minutes. If I know anything, I know this: auditioning is a complete mind game.  And the longer I wait for my turn, the more my mind screams RUN, GET OUT, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING HERE! If I have the time to get nervous, I will.  So usually I arrive close to my time slot, go to the bathroom, fix my hair, take a breath, and go do my thing.   

But I waited for 30 minutes today.  

And my audition went something like this.

Moniter: "Whitney Rap...rap...Rapahna"

Me: "Rappana"

Her: "Yes, you are next"

I walked into the room feeling sort of light, ya know, like when your keys or phone are missing.  I realized I forgot my music book in the hallway (some douche..I mean, uh, some nice guy who didn't have a clue what he was doing,  pushed it under the bench so he could sit down). 

Me: "OH JEEZE, haha, wait one minute"

My heels: "click click click click click"

Me: "All right! Whew Mr. Piano Man, I'm glad you are sitting right there to remind me what I came here to do"

Everyone: "chuckle chuckle"

Me: "Introduction..blah blah blah. Monologue...blah blah blah."

I go to start my song, and CAN NOT remember the first line.  Like really CAN. NOT.  Mr. Nice Piano Man tells me, and then I sing it, then I forget my second line.  

Mr. Nice Piano Man : "Don't worry, just start from the beginning."

Me:"................."

I try, and still...NOTHING. 

Now I have messed up songs before.  I have forgotten words, missed a note, mumbled a phrase from lack of concentration, but have always gotten back on track.  I have been able to sort of pull myself out of the ditch that I dig.  Sometimes without anyone even noticing.  But not today.  

I laughed, and the 12 people (yes, that's right, 12 people watching this audition) were incredibly kind and understanding and they laughed too.  In my charming and adorable way, I crack a few jokes and end up just looking over Mr. Nice Piano Man's shoulder to sing my song. (which sounded beautiful, I mean let's be real.  I don't forget stuff AND not have talent)

He hits the last chord and I say, "Wow, wasn't that fun!  Whew, thanks for hanging in there with me"

Everyone laughs and I thank them and leave.  

So yeah. That was a new experience.  And that's all I have to say about that.

I'm just an actor in this Opera world

Recently I was  involved in one of those projects where you step back and say, "Is this really my life?" God has a way of throwing me into the craziest, most unexpected scenarios and these things aren't ever what I want or part of my plan, but I always end up having an experience of knowing that I am exactly where I am supposed be at this moment in time. 

I had several of those moments working with the Chicago Opera Theater.  I had a small but significant role in a beautiful contemporary piece.  Not only was I surrounded by the beautiful musical style that I haven't paid much attention to since college, but I was also thrown on stage with incredibly talented and well established artists.  All of whom were so gracious and patient as I found my way through the world of opera.  

In addition to all of the talent that surrounded me, there were a few other perks.

Like...MY OWN DRESSING ROOM!!!  (An introverts dream come true)

With my name on the door...

My own make up artist.  (okay, well not my OWN, but someone who brushed my hair and did my makeup.  Which I HATE.  It helped me realize that I need my own glam squad some day because sitting in a chair and relaxing while someone else does all the work is AH-mazing)

     And being on this beautiful stage and looking out into this huge house!  (1600 seats I think)

But the best part was being on stage by her side for every performance.  Flicka was one the nicest, most genuine woman I have ever met.  She would come off stage every night after NAILING it and give me a quick hug and kiss and say, "Thanks Sweetie."  Like, she THANKED me.  Who does that?!  She does. :)

Ms. Frederica von Stade

So that's what I was up to last month.  Now May is a month of recovery and getting back on track.  You know...eating, sleeping, exercising...that stuff that takes a back seat when one is so busy.  That and preparing for my directing debut with Honest Theatre!  Rehearsals start in June and I am sooooooo excited! But that's all I have to say about that. For now.

Dathan designed this awesome poster!

I guess I'll stay awhile

I have known that I wanted to move to Chicago for several years.  Even when I was just a wee, young one growing up in a tiny town in South Dakota I knew Chicago was going to be the place for me. The culture, museums, every sport one could want, and most of all...THEATRE are just a few things that attracted me to this city.  Not to mention the parallel personalities between myself and this city; we both like a fast paced lifestyle, lots of everyday options, and both of us have an edge with a subtle sweetness and laid back approach to life that can only be found in the midwest (amiright?). However, I didn't expect to end up here until much later in life.  Ya know the drill; travel the world, live out of my car, experience all life has to offer, and THEN move to Chicago when I'm ready to, like, settle down or something.  But after receiving my MFA in acting and having absolutely no life plan except that I MUST CREATE ART (which is more of a life motto than a plan) my bestie said "How about we move to Chicago" to which I responded, "Sure, why not?"  And here I am.

I moved here in September of 2012 and had my first audition on October 9th that year.  I remember it vividly but only because it was a complete disaster (see this post for details).  I then submitted for every audition posted on every Chicago website and sent out my headshot and resume to Lord only knows how many companies and agencies. And I got back a big whopping... zip, zilch, nadda. But that is to be expected.  I knew this business would be tough but I also know that I am tougher. So a slow start didn't discourage me.  It may have frustrated and enraged me at times, possibly caused a few tears. But discourage me?  Nope.

I kept working.  And by working I mean auditioning.  I finally landed a pretty good role with a new start up company.  After that show closed, it was back to pounding the pavement. But a few new challenges came my way in the spring of 2013.  I was cast in a show and also got a gig with a popular band in the city.
Both were an exciting opportunity, both paid, and I wanted to do both real, real bad!  But I couldn't. I had to choose.  So I went with my gut which said "join the band", because when else would I get that chance. Alas, that gig was short lived and as fun as singing amazing music with some really great guys was, that experience was over shortly after it started.  So there I was, a year in the city and I was back to square one.  Audition! 

But this time around was different.  This time I knew a good number of companies in the city and they knew me. I got a lot of responses and tons of callbacks.  Instead of no response from a company, I would get emails that said, "Great to see you again Whitney"  or rejections that were filled with compliments and encouraging words about finding me a place in their next show even though I wasn't quite right for their current project.  These simple things may seem small, but in my world it's huge and is just the type of push I need to keep going.  To make a long story short, in the past year and a half I have been in two plays, directed a play, took part in work-shopping three original works, and had fun being a rock star for a summer.  When I look at my time here through accomplishments instead of failures, I realize that I am right where I'm supposed to be.  Hey, look at me...I'm creating art!  

So I guess I'll stay awhile.

I'm an actor, a singer, a director, a writer...

I can't decide.  What am I?  There are so many things that I find interest and passion in.  I have been told on multiple occasions that I have to pick something.  I can love all types of art, but need to focus on one.  That's probably true and it's probably time. 

In acting, we are told that we can only have one objective at a time.  We fight for one thing at a time.  In a specific moment, we want one thing.  We might want it so that we can get to the bigger and better things, but we only have one objective. 

The simplest way to explain this is using a fight scene.  Right now I (the character) want to escape from the danger (my super-objective).  But there are all these obstacles; zombies, an army of droids, a fire breathing dragon, dementors...the list could go on and on, but let's keep it simple.  It might seem impossible, but I just have to defeat each thing, one at a time.  First I would probably have to use myself as bait for the dragon, and just when he was about to blow fire at me, jump out of the way, but be close enough to the zombies so that he just sets them all on fire.  Zombies: check. And then I might as well keep running past the droids, pull out my light saber and try to take down as many as I can, while the dragon (accidentally) stomps on all of them and crushes them.  Droids: check.  Then since I have my light saber out, I might as well let the dragon swallow me whole, and then slay him from the inside out because we all know that's the only way to really make sure that a dragon dies.  Dragon: check.  Then I would be so happy about getting this far and full of happy thoughts that I could produce my patronus, which of course is a beluga whale, and take out all the dementors.  Dementors: check.  See?  I could only do one thing at a time.  It's not possible for me to stab the dragon while taking out the droids.  I only have one light saber!!!!!

And I (back to being Whitney) only have one life.  I need to decide what I'm going to do with it.  The whole reason I'm writing this is because I lost focus these past few months.  I forgot what I ultimately want and made some poor decisions.  When I moved to this city, I made a list of professional goals for myself.  But when I had the opportunity to sing with a Chicago band, I forgot about those goals and agreed to a few months of Chicago fame.  Needless to say, that didn't pan out well for me.  Not only did I turn down a well paying role with a theatre company and miss three auditions because of this "opportunity" but I didn't even get to perform with the band for a full month before the singer that I was replacing decided to come back.  I give you permission to dope slap me.

I could dwell on the "what if's" and "if only's" of the whole situation, but basically it was a good lesson.  Why on earth did I turn my back on acting for even a second?   This industry, this art, this career is all or nothing, and for being an all or nothing person (to a fault) I have been fairly wishy-washy about being an actor.  But that stops now.

It doesn't mean that I can't have other passions and hobbies.  It doesn't mean that I put my life on hold until I'm successful.  It just means that I have one focus.  One thing to fight for.  One objective...and that is to act.  On stage, in auditions, scene studies and classes...there are lots of opportunities.  I just have to fight for them.  And from now on, I'm all in.

P.S. I'm not as violent as this post suggests. 
P.P.S I'm also not as nerdy as this post suggests, so any corrections on how zombies or other non-existent creatures die aren't welcome.  I'm just proving a point here people.

Long Casting Rant

Last week I had two auditions in the same arts center building.  The first required one dramatic monologue, the second required two comedic monologues and a song.  I had work that morning and had just run to another audition so I was rushing to this building but managed to get there 10 minutes ahead of time.  And of course it is busy and loud and there are people everywhere.  I was having trouble finding the right room when a guy popped his head out and asked if I was there to auditon.  I said yes, he asked my name, I gave it, and he said "Wow you are early...that's great."  The audition started out with a short interview?  They asked what my day job was, any interesting facts about me, and then noticed that I had the ukulele on my resume.  They asked if I played well and I said yes...and told them my ukulele is purple (I think it is an interesting and important fact and I'm sort of proud of the purpleness for some reason).  I was wondering to myself why they were asking about music so much when it hit me...I was in the second auditon room....not the first! 

I was supposed to have at least 20 minutes in between my auditions to get ready for this.    My mind was totally in dramatic monologue mode.  I wasn't ready to be funny!  I was still on the fence between three monologues and if I'm being honest, had no idea what song I was going to sing.  (It was accapella and they weren't specific about genre, so I could pretty much whip anything out)

Normally my auditions are very polished.  "Hello, my name is Whitney Rappana.  I will be performing A, B, and C for you today. Blah, Blah, Blah. Thank you very much." 

This was the messiest, most unpolished, rambling audition I have ever had.  A voice in my head said, "Well you are in the wrong room and have no idea what you are doing.  You are screwed anyway, so you have nothing to lose."  And wow, did I treat it that way!

I still wasn't completely positive of what audition I was at, so I asked what they wanted to see.  They looked a little taken aback and said two comedic monologues. 

(the following is me stumbling through my audition)

"Ok.  Right. Sure.  I guess I will do...um...The Owl and the Pussycat by Bill Manhof." I did it. They laughed.

"Now for my second piece...I will be doing...um...sorry, I'm sort of figuring this out as I go.  Well I guess I will just do House of Blue Leaves by John Guare."  I did it.  They laughed even more.

"You wanted a song too right?  What style of music are you looking for?"

"Oh no. Were you not able to prepare a song?"  he asked.

"Oh I have like five songs that I could perform for you, I just want to make sure that I give you what you are looking for."

"Oh. Something sort of with a contemporary feel, a little poppy, you only need to do about 16 bars."

"Ok.  Well let's see.  Um...I'm going to sing Five and Half Minutes by Kerrigan and Lowdermilk.  It's sort of poppy, really belty, if that's alright?"

"Go for it"

"Ok.  Let me just think of the middle verse so you hear the best part." ( I hum to myself for a minute) "Crap, I can't think of it."  (Rack my brain frantically trying to start in the middle of a song).  "I'm sorry, I seriously cannot for the life of me remember how the middle starts."  (I hum a little more trying to speed through the first verse so I can remember how the second starts)

"We can just keep watching this if you want, because this right here is entertaining enough" He jokes.

"Ha.  Ok, It's clearly not coming so I will just start at the beginning and you can stop me when you get bored."  I sing.  (NAIL IT!)  They listen, laugh, and stop me right after I hit the big note.

"Is there anything else you need to see?" I ask.

"No, I think we have seen everything we need." 

"Cool.  Well thank you so much! And thanks for your patience through all that"

They laugh, say thank you one more time, and I get the heck out of there!

I got a callback but it was cancelled because of weather.  So he called me and said they loved my audition and really wanted to work with me.  And that's how I got cast in Chicago; by being a complete nutcase that didn't have a clue what she was doing and couldn't be anything but her goofy, giggly, air-headed self because she didn't think it could be any worse. 

The End.

Here is One for All You Actors Out There

Diana told me to blog about the process of auditioning.  And about my day.  And she said to talk about all the negative, negative, negative stuff, and then end it with a positive.  So here we go....this might be a little long.

I got into this city at the very end of of August, pretty much dropped off my stuff, and then went home to Montrose South Dakota for my dear friend Molly's wedding.  I came back to Chi-town, found a job so I could pay rent, got some furniture and then left again for my dear friend Emily's wedding!  This trip I took more time and visited my brother and grandparents on the Western side of the state.  I was in no hurry to come back, the family time and relaxation was just too great.   After taking all the personal time I needed, I came back and was ready to start auditioning!

I submitted my headshot and resume to every audition possible.  Unfortunately, I didn't get many invitations.  My first actual audition was at the very beginning of October.  It was for an original play festival.  I felt ready, prepared, and like this was the perfect audition for me because they needed lots of actors and were looking for any type.  The audition was pretty close to our apartment, so I picked the perfect outfit, great shoes, got my headshots all nicely stapled to my resume, and rode my bike there.  I arrived early and felt completely confident in the monologue I had chosen.  I felt a little nervous but was actually more excited, this was my first Chicago audition!  I sat there waiting, listening to everyone audition before me.  Then it was my turn.  I was determined to be memorable.  In my head I said, "I am talented, so if I can be memorable, then I will be fine."  I introduced myself, my monologue, took a breath, and was off.  Here is what is going through my head during this time.

"Wow, that was an awkward intro. Usually I say my name more clearly.  What am I doing with my hands?  I should have started the monologue with movement.  Am I resolving all my cycles? Stop slapping your legs Whitney.  Hmmm, that part got a laugh last time I did this.  They haven't laughed once.  Oh, well that was a courtesy laugh if I've ever heard one.  Maybe this monologue isn't funny.  But at school juries everyone was cracking up.  Maybe it's only funny if you know me.  Oh no!  What if all my monologues aren't good and I have to find a bunch more.  Relax. Breathe. Wow, you are blowing it right now."

I could go on and on, but basically I kept trying harder and harder as the monologue went on.  Forcing it and begging them to laugh.  All my pent up/excited/nervous energy didn't only hit the back wall of the theater, it crashed through, went out the lobby, and landed in the store across the street.  I was out of control!  They politely said thank you and that they didn't need to see anything else.

BLEW IT!

Looking back now, I can laugh.  That was ridiculous and it was silly of me to build up that audition.  I could go into detail about all the auditions I have been on, but let me try to shorten this up.  Since then I have submitted myself for a TON of auditions (we are talking between 20 and 30 in one month, maybe even more, I stopped counting).  Out of all those submissions I have been on eight auditions.  Each one has presented it's own challenges including getting stuck in an elevator, auditioning with my "body movement" instead of words, and walking around parts of this city at night that I don't plan on visiting ever again. I have auditioned for three musicals, a few work-shopped pieces, and two "theme park" type auditions.   I even auditioned for 50 Shades of Gray the Musical (sometimes when God closes a door, it's for a good reason).   But no callbacks.  That is, till today.

Today I had an audition for the Arc theatre, which is a professional theatre founded by a group of Depaul University graduates.  Here is an ironic fact: When I was a junior in highschool, I decided that I wanted to go to Depaul for theatre and after mailing in an application, they wouldn't even see me for an audition, saying that I didn't have the experience they were looking for in their students.  ANYWAY, this audition went very well.  I did two pieces that I have been working on for a long time and are completely contrasting.  They laughed all the way through my comedic piece and were sitting on the edge of their seat for my Shakespeare.  When I was finished I said thank you.  Three people were watching, and they all commented.   "Wow, that was very good, well done"   "I'm so glad we got to see your talent today, I'm very impressed" and "Good audition.  Really, that was good."  Although a few other  auditions have gone well and I did just fine on my monologues, this was the first time I didn't get the generic "Thanks, we will be in touch" line.  They weren't being polite, they were being genuine.  I may not get cast, I may not even get a callback for whatever reason.  But that's okay with me, because I had an awesome audition.  

After that audition, I had to rush to another audition.  I did the same monologues, they went just as well, and I got a callback right there on the spot! They asked if I could stay for the callback which would be starting in about an hour.  It felt so good to read a scene.  I was so spoiled in grad school, getting to act everyday whether I liked it or not.  My peeps at Regent, if you are reading this...soak it up baby.  I was called-backed for the main role.  This was a fun audition because she is a sharp, quick-tongued, savvy buisness women type. The play follows her through her 20s, 30s, and 40s.  This is pretty much the opposite of everything that I have been told about my "type" but as my amazing roommate has reminded me, that is why we are actors.  There were three rounds, and I stuck around till the end.  People were let go through the day, and it ended up being between me and two other girls.  Fingers crossed!  But even if it doesn't happen, it's fun to have had such a good day.

And that's all I have to say about that.

(Click here for some lessons learned about auditioning)