On Directing

I got my first taste of directing in first grade.  I started a singing club.  I wrote down lyrics and got all the little boys who had crushes on me to devote their recesses to our rehearsals.  I had harmonies and dance moves all planned and, of course, I would be taking lead.  That lasted for about 3 minutes before everyone decided that I was too bossy and that the jungle gym would be more fun.  But those three minutes were glorious I tell ya!  

The next few years I expressed my artistic side by putting on short little skits with cousins and my brother.  It probably wasn’t what they always wanted to do, but that’s what playtime was for... rehearsing. 

My next big directing opportunity came in 6^th grade when the class was assigned to groups to put on a skit about peer pressure.  I had a superb concept and immediately nominated myself as the leader.  The concept was...wait for it...Saved by the Bell!  Just as Zack Morris says "time out", we too would “time out” the action to explain the choice between giving into peer pressure or not. (Brilliant? I think so.) I had vision, determination, and a plan to make it the BEST SKIT IN THE CLASS! But my intensity wasn't quite matched (or appreciated) by my peers and I think we got a B.

.

Which is probably one letter grade higher than I would give myself for the show I just finished directing, "No Exit".  This play about hell and choices and actions and deciding who we want to be and our impact on the world sort of "rocked my world" to put it delicately.  It was a humbling process, to say the least.

 

This blog isn't just to toot my own horn.  It's to be honest about my experiences and the lessons that I am learning.  I'm sure that there were good things about this production, although I am not able to see them or hold in my heavy sighs when I hear people compliment the production in any way. Because I know it for what it truly was...an utter failure.  Probably my biggest directing failure to date.

Oh I have a lot of excuses, a lot of reasons why this just didn't work, but the main point is that I was working with a company that just wasn't the right fit for me.   I lost passion and it was replaced with pure apathy.  I can honestly say that I have NEVER felt that before.  Joy, frustration, hope, pride, determination, and mostly a very strong sense of myself....these are all feelings that I take along in a process....but this time I was apathetic.

So why did I stick around?  Well, out of fear quite honestly.  I am terrified of not working.  I am nervous that all my work and training will be for nothing.  I am worried that my goals won't be met and that all the professional deadlines that I have set for myself won't happen.  I'm afraid of losing what little ground I have gained in this city.  But mostly I'm scared that I will prove all the naysayers in my life right and all the people who said "you can do it" wrong.  I'm afraid of failing.

There I said it.  I am afraid of failing!

So I stayed in a safe space.  I sort of stopped taking risks and putting myself out there because I had some back up projects. Some "just in case" things that would work.  I kept saying yes.  Yes because it's an offer.  Yes, because what else am I going to do?  Yes, because what if nothing better comes along.

Shame on me.  Shame on me for settling. Shame on me for thinking that this is "good enough for now".  Shame on me for losing my spark and my energy and my perfectionist nature that demands great things out of myself and others.  Shame on me for losing my passion.

I used to be fearless.  I used to be the first to volunteer and the first to voice my opinion whether it was wanted or not.  I was a born leader and a gutsy girl that fought for what she wanted.  But at some point I lost that.  I became incredibly aware and even worse, embarrassed, of all my inadequacies. And bit by bit, I started playing life so, so safe. I got hung up on the consequences of failure instead of the possibilities of success!

But here is the thing...I have already failed.  I have messed up auditions, forgotten words to songs, and I have directed an awful play.  And I'm still here.  I'm still breathing and functioning and I'm even going to rehearsal tonight.  Ha! And I will fail again.  There are lots of failures coming my way big and small...because that's life.  So maybe I should stop being so scared and fail BIG.  Or maybe...succeed even bigger.

Either way, from now on, I'm going to do it with passion.

And that's all I have to say about that.

I'm just an actor in this Opera world

Recently I was  involved in one of those projects where you step back and say, "Is this really my life?" God has a way of throwing me into the craziest, most unexpected scenarios and these things aren't ever what I want or part of my plan, but I always end up having an experience of knowing that I am exactly where I am supposed be at this moment in time. 

I had several of those moments working with the Chicago Opera Theater.  I had a small but significant role in a beautiful contemporary piece.  Not only was I surrounded by the beautiful musical style that I haven't paid much attention to since college, but I was also thrown on stage with incredibly talented and well established artists.  All of whom were so gracious and patient as I found my way through the world of opera.  

In addition to all of the talent that surrounded me, there were a few other perks.

Like...MY OWN DRESSING ROOM!!!  (An introverts dream come true)

With my name on the door...

My own make up artist.  (okay, well not my OWN, but someone who brushed my hair and did my makeup.  Which I HATE.  It helped me realize that I need my own glam squad some day because sitting in a chair and relaxing while someone else does all the work is AH-mazing)

     And being on this beautiful stage and looking out into this huge house!  (1600 seats I think)

But the best part was being on stage by her side for every performance.  Flicka was one the nicest, most genuine woman I have ever met.  She would come off stage every night after NAILING it and give me a quick hug and kiss and say, "Thanks Sweetie."  Like, she THANKED me.  Who does that?!  She does. :)

Ms. Frederica von Stade

So that's what I was up to last month.  Now May is a month of recovery and getting back on track.  You know...eating, sleeping, exercising...that stuff that takes a back seat when one is so busy.  That and preparing for my directing debut with Honest Theatre!  Rehearsals start in June and I am sooooooo excited! But that's all I have to say about that. For now.

Dathan designed this awesome poster!

Long Casting Rant

Last week I had two auditions in the same arts center building.  The first required one dramatic monologue, the second required two comedic monologues and a song.  I had work that morning and had just run to another audition so I was rushing to this building but managed to get there 10 minutes ahead of time.  And of course it is busy and loud and there are people everywhere.  I was having trouble finding the right room when a guy popped his head out and asked if I was there to auditon.  I said yes, he asked my name, I gave it, and he said "Wow you are early...that's great."  The audition started out with a short interview?  They asked what my day job was, any interesting facts about me, and then noticed that I had the ukulele on my resume.  They asked if I played well and I said yes...and told them my ukulele is purple (I think it is an interesting and important fact and I'm sort of proud of the purpleness for some reason).  I was wondering to myself why they were asking about music so much when it hit me...I was in the second auditon room....not the first! 

I was supposed to have at least 20 minutes in between my auditions to get ready for this.    My mind was totally in dramatic monologue mode.  I wasn't ready to be funny!  I was still on the fence between three monologues and if I'm being honest, had no idea what song I was going to sing.  (It was accapella and they weren't specific about genre, so I could pretty much whip anything out)

Normally my auditions are very polished.  "Hello, my name is Whitney Rappana.  I will be performing A, B, and C for you today. Blah, Blah, Blah. Thank you very much." 

This was the messiest, most unpolished, rambling audition I have ever had.  A voice in my head said, "Well you are in the wrong room and have no idea what you are doing.  You are screwed anyway, so you have nothing to lose."  And wow, did I treat it that way!

I still wasn't completely positive of what audition I was at, so I asked what they wanted to see.  They looked a little taken aback and said two comedic monologues. 

(the following is me stumbling through my audition)

"Ok.  Right. Sure.  I guess I will do...um...The Owl and the Pussycat by Bill Manhof." I did it. They laughed.

"Now for my second piece...I will be doing...um...sorry, I'm sort of figuring this out as I go.  Well I guess I will just do House of Blue Leaves by John Guare."  I did it.  They laughed even more.

"You wanted a song too right?  What style of music are you looking for?"

"Oh no. Were you not able to prepare a song?"  he asked.

"Oh I have like five songs that I could perform for you, I just want to make sure that I give you what you are looking for."

"Oh. Something sort of with a contemporary feel, a little poppy, you only need to do about 16 bars."

"Ok.  Well let's see.  Um...I'm going to sing Five and Half Minutes by Kerrigan and Lowdermilk.  It's sort of poppy, really belty, if that's alright?"

"Go for it"

"Ok.  Let me just think of the middle verse so you hear the best part." ( I hum to myself for a minute) "Crap, I can't think of it."  (Rack my brain frantically trying to start in the middle of a song).  "I'm sorry, I seriously cannot for the life of me remember how the middle starts."  (I hum a little more trying to speed through the first verse so I can remember how the second starts)

"We can just keep watching this if you want, because this right here is entertaining enough" He jokes.

"Ha.  Ok, It's clearly not coming so I will just start at the beginning and you can stop me when you get bored."  I sing.  (NAIL IT!)  They listen, laugh, and stop me right after I hit the big note.

"Is there anything else you need to see?" I ask.

"No, I think we have seen everything we need." 

"Cool.  Well thank you so much! And thanks for your patience through all that"

They laugh, say thank you one more time, and I get the heck out of there!

I got a callback but it was cancelled because of weather.  So he called me and said they loved my audition and really wanted to work with me.  And that's how I got cast in Chicago; by being a complete nutcase that didn't have a clue what she was doing and couldn't be anything but her goofy, giggly, air-headed self because she didn't think it could be any worse. 

The End.