I got my first taste of directing in first grade. I started a singing club. I wrote down lyrics and got all the little boys who had crushes on me to devote their recesses to our rehearsals. I had harmonies and dance moves all planned and, of course, I would be taking lead. That lasted for about 3 minutes before everyone decided that I was too bossy and that the jungle gym would be more fun. But those three minutes were glorious I tell ya!
The next few years I expressed my artistic side by putting on short little skits with cousins and my brother. It probably wasn’t what they always wanted to do, but that’s what playtime was for... rehearsing.
My next big directing opportunity came in 6th grade when the class was assigned to groups to put on a skit about peer pressure. I had a superb concept and immediately nominated myself as the leader. The concept was...wait for it...Saved by the Bell! Just as Zack Morris says "time out", we too would “time out” the action to explain the choice between giving into peer pressure or not. (Brilliant? I think so.) I had vision, determination, and a plan to make it the BEST SKIT IN THE CLASS! But my intensity wasn't quite matched (or appreciated) by my peers and I think we got a B.
The next few years I expressed my artistic side by putting on short little skits with cousins and my brother. It probably wasn’t what they always wanted to do, but that’s what playtime was for... rehearsing.
My next big directing opportunity came in 6th grade when the class was assigned to groups to put on a skit about peer pressure. I had a superb concept and immediately nominated myself as the leader. The concept was...wait for it...Saved by the Bell! Just as Zack Morris says "time out", we too would “time out” the action to explain the choice between giving into peer pressure or not. (Brilliant? I think so.) I had vision, determination, and a plan to make it the BEST SKIT IN THE CLASS! But my intensity wasn't quite matched (or appreciated) by my peers and I think we got a B.
.
Which is probably one letter grade higher than I would give myself for the show I just finished directing, "No Exit". This play about hell and choices and actions and deciding who we want to be and our impact on the world sort of "rocked my world" to put it delicately. It was a humbling process, to say the least.
This blog isn't just to toot my own horn. It's to be honest about my experiences and the lessons that I am learning. I'm sure that there were good things about this production, although I am not able to see them or hold in my heavy sighs when I hear people compliment the production in any way. Because I know it for what it truly was...an utter failure. Probably my biggest directing failure to date.
Oh I have a lot of excuses, a lot of reasons why this just didn't work, but the main point is that I was working with a company that just wasn't the right fit for me. I lost passion and it was replaced with pure apathy. I can honestly say that I have NEVER felt that before. Joy, frustration, hope, pride, determination, and mostly a very strong sense of myself....these are all feelings that I take along in a process....but this time I was apathetic.
So why did I stick around? Well, out of fear quite honestly. I am terrified of not working. I am nervous that all my work and training will be for nothing. I am worried that my goals won't be met and that all the professional deadlines that I have set for myself won't happen. I'm afraid of losing what little ground I have gained in this city. But mostly I'm scared that I will prove all the naysayers in my life right and all the people who said "you can do it" wrong. I'm afraid of failing.
There I said it. I am afraid of failing!
So I stayed in a safe space. I sort of stopped taking risks and putting myself out there because I had some back up projects. Some "just in case" things that would work. I kept saying yes. Yes because it's an offer. Yes, because what else am I going to do? Yes, because what if nothing better comes along.
Shame on me. Shame on me for settling. Shame on me for thinking that this is "good enough for now". Shame on me for losing my spark and my energy and my perfectionist nature that demands great things out of myself and others. Shame on me for losing my passion.
I used to be fearless. I used to be the first to volunteer and the first to voice my opinion whether it was wanted or not. I was a born leader and a gutsy girl that fought for what she wanted. But at some point I lost that. I became incredibly aware and even worse, embarrassed, of all my inadequacies. And bit by bit, I started playing life so, so safe. I got hung up on the consequences of failure instead of the possibilities of success!
But here is the thing...I have already failed. I have messed up auditions, forgotten words to songs, and I have directed an awful play. And I'm still here. I'm still breathing and functioning and I'm even going to rehearsal tonight. Ha! And I will fail again. There are lots of failures coming my way big and small...because that's life. So maybe I should stop being so scared and fail BIG. Or maybe...succeed even bigger.
Either way, from now on, I'm going to do it with passion.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Oh I have a lot of excuses, a lot of reasons why this just didn't work, but the main point is that I was working with a company that just wasn't the right fit for me. I lost passion and it was replaced with pure apathy. I can honestly say that I have NEVER felt that before. Joy, frustration, hope, pride, determination, and mostly a very strong sense of myself....these are all feelings that I take along in a process....but this time I was apathetic.
So why did I stick around? Well, out of fear quite honestly. I am terrified of not working. I am nervous that all my work and training will be for nothing. I am worried that my goals won't be met and that all the professional deadlines that I have set for myself won't happen. I'm afraid of losing what little ground I have gained in this city. But mostly I'm scared that I will prove all the naysayers in my life right and all the people who said "you can do it" wrong. I'm afraid of failing.
There I said it. I am afraid of failing!
So I stayed in a safe space. I sort of stopped taking risks and putting myself out there because I had some back up projects. Some "just in case" things that would work. I kept saying yes. Yes because it's an offer. Yes, because what else am I going to do? Yes, because what if nothing better comes along.
Shame on me. Shame on me for settling. Shame on me for thinking that this is "good enough for now". Shame on me for losing my spark and my energy and my perfectionist nature that demands great things out of myself and others. Shame on me for losing my passion.
I used to be fearless. I used to be the first to volunteer and the first to voice my opinion whether it was wanted or not. I was a born leader and a gutsy girl that fought for what she wanted. But at some point I lost that. I became incredibly aware and even worse, embarrassed, of all my inadequacies. And bit by bit, I started playing life so, so safe. I got hung up on the consequences of failure instead of the possibilities of success!
Either way, from now on, I'm going to do it with passion.
And that's all I have to say about that.
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