Let's just call them people

I'm going to try to make this short...

You guys, what if we stopped using the word "refugees" and started saying "people".  I mean, that is what they are.  People. Humans.  Beautiful, unique, souls made in the image of God just looking for a safe place.

And yes, it is scary.
And yes, there may be risks.
But also, yes...they are PEOPLE.

And yes, our veterans need better care.
And yes , there are so many homeless here already in America that need safe places.
But also, yes...they are PEOPLE.

I guess I'm just sort of overwhelmed with the hatred that I see all over my newsfeed...from both sides.

One meme said, "If you have ten grapes, and you knew that two of those grapes were poison, would you eat any of the grapes"

Another meme said, "If you think fertilized eggs are people, but refugee kids aren't, you need to stop pretending your concerns are religious"

First of all, grapes aren't people you asshole! Second of all, I knew it was mere seconds before we waved that pro-choice flag.

Why do we need to pit one group against another to prove worth? That Syrian refugee is a life.  That homeless vet is a life.  That unborn baby is a life (it is. seriously.)  Stop acting like one life has more value than the other. Every life is fearfully and wonderfully made and so, so precious.

I'm not saying I have the answers.  But I sure am surprised at how many of people do.  What I do know is that it isn't a cut and dry issue and that it is so much more complicated than a yes/no or right/wrong answer.

In a world where children are scared to lay their head down at night because of the nightmares about lost family members, I'm kicking the covers off because I'm just a little too warm.

I don't understand.  And I don't know what to do.  So I will just pray.  I will pray that God helps me to love harder, freely, and without fear.  I will pray for courage and protection for those souls fleeing their homes.  I will pray for wisdom and guidance for our president to make the right decisions for our country. And I will pray for you too.  Just cuz.

Family visit

My family came to visit this past October.  Three pretty big things happened.   

1.  My Brother and I surprised our parents with him visiting too.  Mom and Dad had no idea he was going to be there.  I videoed the big reveal on my computer.  You can't see faces, but you can hear the surprise in their voices.  Everyone got a little emotional...

2.  My Dad ran the Chicago Marathon!  This was really the whole point for their trip.  And he did awesome!  We were all so proud of him...and it inspired me to maybe run a marathon one day. Maybe. Okay, probably not.  But good job dad!

This is my Favorite picture of him when he saw us.

Taking a quick break for some pictures

3.  I checked something off of my list of 30 things.  A BOAT TOUR!  We took the Chicago Architecture tour, and it was so pretty.  That is a really beautiful and relaxing tour. If you visit Chicago, ya gotta do it!

Isn't my city SOOOO pretty?

And that's all I have to say about that.

one year left

I had a fantastic Birthday yesterday! After waking up in a horrible mood, I went to the gym, took a long morning nap, got ready for the day and headed out with Diana (after getting scolded and being told to chipper up).

The afternoon started at Eataly and what a fun place! So much yummy food and wine and treats.  The atmosphere is awesome and I am for sure going to go back some time to hit up the gelato bar.

I was laughing at a girl that told us to avoid the Nutella bar, because it's all down hill from there.

I was super excited to eat some GOOD pasta!

Yup, I'm one of those people that takes pictures of their food.

Then we headed over to the United center.  Diana got us tickets to Cirque du soleil, Kurios!  It was awesome!  And sort of made me leave feeling like I really need to work out...

Last, we hung out at the jazz festival for a little bit and walked around looking at the few vendors that hadn't closed yet.  It was such a beautiful night; the weather was wonderful!

I love this city...so pretty!

It was an eventful and yet, relaxing day.  So perfect.  I had so many calls, texts, and messages and I felt so loved!  I'm trying to feel good about where I am in life and be positive about this last year of my twenties.  And to make the most of it, I made a list of all the things that I want to accomplish before I hit the big 3-0.

As I (hopefully) accomplish each thing, I will post it so you can click on the tab and keep up with me and hold me accountable.

Check it out here!

On Directing

I got my first taste of directing in first grade.  I started a singing club.  I wrote down lyrics and got all the little boys who had crushes on me to devote their recesses to our rehearsals.  I had harmonies and dance moves all planned and, of course, I would be taking lead.  That lasted for about 3 minutes before everyone decided that I was too bossy and that the jungle gym would be more fun.  But those three minutes were glorious I tell ya!  

The next few years I expressed my artistic side by putting on short little skits with cousins and my brother.  It probably wasn’t what they always wanted to do, but that’s what playtime was for... rehearsing. 

My next big directing opportunity came in 6^th grade when the class was assigned to groups to put on a skit about peer pressure.  I had a superb concept and immediately nominated myself as the leader.  The concept was...wait for it...Saved by the Bell!  Just as Zack Morris says "time out", we too would “time out” the action to explain the choice between giving into peer pressure or not. (Brilliant? I think so.) I had vision, determination, and a plan to make it the BEST SKIT IN THE CLASS! But my intensity wasn't quite matched (or appreciated) by my peers and I think we got a B.

.

Which is probably one letter grade higher than I would give myself for the show I just finished directing, "No Exit".  This play about hell and choices and actions and deciding who we want to be and our impact on the world sort of "rocked my world" to put it delicately.  It was a humbling process, to say the least.

 

This blog isn't just to toot my own horn.  It's to be honest about my experiences and the lessons that I am learning.  I'm sure that there were good things about this production, although I am not able to see them or hold in my heavy sighs when I hear people compliment the production in any way. Because I know it for what it truly was...an utter failure.  Probably my biggest directing failure to date.

Oh I have a lot of excuses, a lot of reasons why this just didn't work, but the main point is that I was working with a company that just wasn't the right fit for me.   I lost passion and it was replaced with pure apathy.  I can honestly say that I have NEVER felt that before.  Joy, frustration, hope, pride, determination, and mostly a very strong sense of myself....these are all feelings that I take along in a process....but this time I was apathetic.

So why did I stick around?  Well, out of fear quite honestly.  I am terrified of not working.  I am nervous that all my work and training will be for nothing.  I am worried that my goals won't be met and that all the professional deadlines that I have set for myself won't happen.  I'm afraid of losing what little ground I have gained in this city.  But mostly I'm scared that I will prove all the naysayers in my life right and all the people who said "you can do it" wrong.  I'm afraid of failing.

There I said it.  I am afraid of failing!

So I stayed in a safe space.  I sort of stopped taking risks and putting myself out there because I had some back up projects. Some "just in case" things that would work.  I kept saying yes.  Yes because it's an offer.  Yes, because what else am I going to do?  Yes, because what if nothing better comes along.

Shame on me.  Shame on me for settling. Shame on me for thinking that this is "good enough for now".  Shame on me for losing my spark and my energy and my perfectionist nature that demands great things out of myself and others.  Shame on me for losing my passion.

I used to be fearless.  I used to be the first to volunteer and the first to voice my opinion whether it was wanted or not.  I was a born leader and a gutsy girl that fought for what she wanted.  But at some point I lost that.  I became incredibly aware and even worse, embarrassed, of all my inadequacies. And bit by bit, I started playing life so, so safe. I got hung up on the consequences of failure instead of the possibilities of success!

But here is the thing...I have already failed.  I have messed up auditions, forgotten words to songs, and I have directed an awful play.  And I'm still here.  I'm still breathing and functioning and I'm even going to rehearsal tonight.  Ha! And I will fail again.  There are lots of failures coming my way big and small...because that's life.  So maybe I should stop being so scared and fail BIG.  Or maybe...succeed even bigger.

Either way, from now on, I'm going to do it with passion.

And that's all I have to say about that.

An audition story

I had an audition today. It was supposed to be just like any other audition.  Go in, do my thing, two minutes later leave.

But I arrived 15 minutes early and they were 15 minutes behind, so I sat waiting for 30 minutes. If I know anything, I know this: auditioning is a complete mind game.  And the longer I wait for my turn, the more my mind screams RUN, GET OUT, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING HERE! If I have the time to get nervous, I will.  So usually I arrive close to my time slot, go to the bathroom, fix my hair, take a breath, and go do my thing.   

But I waited for 30 minutes today.  

And my audition went something like this.

Moniter: "Whitney Rap...rap...Rapahna"

Me: "Rappana"

Her: "Yes, you are next"

I walked into the room feeling sort of light, ya know, like when your keys or phone are missing.  I realized I forgot my music book in the hallway (some douche..I mean, uh, some nice guy who didn't have a clue what he was doing,  pushed it under the bench so he could sit down). 

Me: "OH JEEZE, haha, wait one minute"

My heels: "click click click click click"

Me: "All right! Whew Mr. Piano Man, I'm glad you are sitting right there to remind me what I came here to do"

Everyone: "chuckle chuckle"

Me: "Introduction..blah blah blah. Monologue...blah blah blah."

I go to start my song, and CAN NOT remember the first line.  Like really CAN. NOT.  Mr. Nice Piano Man tells me, and then I sing it, then I forget my second line.  

Mr. Nice Piano Man : "Don't worry, just start from the beginning."

Me:"................."

I try, and still...NOTHING. 

Now I have messed up songs before.  I have forgotten words, missed a note, mumbled a phrase from lack of concentration, but have always gotten back on track.  I have been able to sort of pull myself out of the ditch that I dig.  Sometimes without anyone even noticing.  But not today.  

I laughed, and the 12 people (yes, that's right, 12 people watching this audition) were incredibly kind and understanding and they laughed too.  In my charming and adorable way, I crack a few jokes and end up just looking over Mr. Nice Piano Man's shoulder to sing my song. (which sounded beautiful, I mean let's be real.  I don't forget stuff AND not have talent)

He hits the last chord and I say, "Wow, wasn't that fun!  Whew, thanks for hanging in there with me"

Everyone laughs and I thank them and leave.  

So yeah. That was a new experience.  And that's all I have to say about that.

I'm just an actor in this Opera world

Recently I was  involved in one of those projects where you step back and say, "Is this really my life?" God has a way of throwing me into the craziest, most unexpected scenarios and these things aren't ever what I want or part of my plan, but I always end up having an experience of knowing that I am exactly where I am supposed be at this moment in time. 

I had several of those moments working with the Chicago Opera Theater.  I had a small but significant role in a beautiful contemporary piece.  Not only was I surrounded by the beautiful musical style that I haven't paid much attention to since college, but I was also thrown on stage with incredibly talented and well established artists.  All of whom were so gracious and patient as I found my way through the world of opera.  

In addition to all of the talent that surrounded me, there were a few other perks.

Like...MY OWN DRESSING ROOM!!!  (An introverts dream come true)

With my name on the door...

My own make up artist.  (okay, well not my OWN, but someone who brushed my hair and did my makeup.  Which I HATE.  It helped me realize that I need my own glam squad some day because sitting in a chair and relaxing while someone else does all the work is AH-mazing)

     And being on this beautiful stage and looking out into this huge house!  (1600 seats I think)

But the best part was being on stage by her side for every performance.  Flicka was one the nicest, most genuine woman I have ever met.  She would come off stage every night after NAILING it and give me a quick hug and kiss and say, "Thanks Sweetie."  Like, she THANKED me.  Who does that?!  She does. :)

Ms. Frederica von Stade

So that's what I was up to last month.  Now May is a month of recovery and getting back on track.  You know...eating, sleeping, exercising...that stuff that takes a back seat when one is so busy.  That and preparing for my directing debut with Honest Theatre!  Rehearsals start in June and I am sooooooo excited! But that's all I have to say about that. For now.

Dathan designed this awesome poster!

Cheesy love song 3

In case you didn't know, Mom and Dad got me a purple ukulele a few years ago which I LOVE. So instead of protesting and being grouchy on Valentine's Day (because I really sort of hate it a lot)  I embrace the day and write a cheesy love song.

This is what I came up with yesterday.  (Song is not based on real life events ;))

Hello 2015

Today seemed like a good time to write a blog post since it's new beginnings and all. (My last post was almost a year ago!)

I truly love New Years Day.  It feels so fresh and clean while having this weird feeling of nostalgia while I analyze the past year's accomplishments and failures.  I have plenty of goals for 2015.  I made a list of 15 things that I would like to do or change with number 15 being to stop making so many lists.

But I will make one more list that seems worth while.  Here is a look back at 10 highlights of 2014!

1. Trip to California
I got to see the Rose Parade, some awesome friends, and figured out that I don't particularly love LA.

Hanging with the Fazakerleys

JM gave me a tour of Universal Studios

My favorite float from the parade

2. Weight Loss Challenge.
Dathan and I started a weight loss challenge. He is winning but there are still 2 months left!  I'm pretty sure I'm paying for his trip to Chicago this coming year.
We have people rooting for us! 

Teams

A little motivation

               
3. Micaela's Wedding
Micaela is one of the sweetest and most giving friends I have.  I miss her like WOAH.  I was so glad to be there on her special day and spend time with her on the days leading up to the wedding.

 

4. Spike Heels
Honest Theatre's first production was "Spike Heels" and I got to be in it!  I am so thankful for the opportunity and experience. I played a character that I came to love and worked with my talented friends.

5. 4th of July
You guys!!!!  I really love my family, the Black Hills, and the 4th of July.  This year I got all 3 in one long, amazing weekend!

4th of July treats

A friendly game of Botchy Ball

Cousins

Mama and Me

6. "Clemente"
I can't even find the words to describe this show.  It challenged me as an artist and as a person, I sang in I don't know how long, and I met some truly amazing people!  It was just...I can't even....ahhhh! All the feeeeeeeels!!!

 


7. Pittsburgh
The whole cast traveled to Pittsburgh for Clemente.  And it was just, like, the best week ever!  We performed on a huge stage for a huge audience that LOVED the story we were telling.  It was just a big (and much needed) reminder of why I love acting so much.  Plus, spending a relaxing week (while getting paid) with amazing people is pretty neat.

Pirate fans

Love these talented friends

The whole cast!

8. Changing Nanny Families
My darling Evelyn moved away to Michigan with her family (they still visit Chicago sometimes.  I got to see them before Christmas).  So I started with a new family and baby, Evan!  He was a little older than 2 months when I started, and now is 7 months.  He is such a little lover and cuddler and smiles all day long!  I mean just look at this kid!

              

Evie and I looking at Christmas lights

9. Becky's Wedding
My Becky, whom I lived with all four years of college, laughed with and cried to, drank too much tequila with, and whom I have prayed that she find a man who is deserving of all her goodness...got married!  I made a quick trip to North Dakota for the wedding.  She was stunning, the wedding was beautiful, and I really like her husband!

Side not: They had their first date while she was staying with me in Chicago.  She came home that night after their date glowing and I thought "Yup, this is it."  So, BASICALLY, I'm the reason they're together ;)

10. Christmas
This Christmas the four of us were together for a week!  I think I ate more cookies than I thought possible!  I also got addicted to the Settlers of Catan.  I just enjoyed spending time with my family and relaxing.

         

All that to say that this was an awesome year and I'm excited for the 2015!